Friday, May 29, 2009

Choosing between what is right and what is easy

Everyone has a choice to make. There is a time in every one's life when there is a decision to be made. A person could choose to do what they've always known, what has been written down as rules or laws, what is safe, what is easy; or a person can decide to act boldly by choosing to do something new, by taking a chance, by taking a risk, by choosing what is right.

I walk into Steak 'N' Shake with a vision, a new journey. I approach the manager with a unique request. With me I have brought 2 individually wrapped slices of soy cheese. I ask the manager politely and sincerely to please have his cooks replace the regular (evil) cheese with this soy cheese on a frisco melt for me. I believe the task to be a simple one but the manager replies with a shake of the head and something about health code regulations. Stupid rules. If no one ever went against the rules Steak 'N' Shake wouldn't even exist! Watch any biography on Benjamin Franklin and you will learn this! As I watch him walk away, sadly observing his brown belt/black jeans combo, I realize that this man has been making poor decisions since the moment he woke, probably since he was birthed.
My hopes are still not shattered. One of these days I'm going to meet someone who is up for the challenge, someone who will choose to do what is right.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The grossest thing we've seen today

The grossest thing you have seen today:

My toes are finger-like in length. It's gross. I was looking at my feet the other night and thought, "I could hold my toes with my hand". So I did. I'm holding hands-feet. Gross.

The grossest thing I have seen today:

It's hard to make out the picture, but this is McDonald's idea of a grilled chicken sandwich with no cheese. The chicken is crispy, and contains cheese. Inside the McDonald's in my home town of DeSoto, Missouri there is a plaque on the wall that states, "We will do ANYTHING to make sure the customer is satisfied". This particular McDonald's however will not drive to your house and give you your correct order. I'm not satisfied. Gross.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Father, forgive me

When I'm away from home for a large period of time my longing to be home with my family reaches a crazy level. I begin to talk of them like they're super human and nothing short of perfection. I love my parents very much. With that being said, I have been home for less than two weeks and I have officially spent way too much time with my parents. I'm on the verge of not loving them anymore. Being home was nice at first. A couple of days ago we went and picked strawberries together, it was adorable. Today however, family time wasn't so much adorable as it was incredibly irritating. The jokes of me being unemployed are growing quite old, dead really. I've been saying since January 07, unemployment suits me. Get over it, it doesn't appear to be changing in the next coming months. After spending the entire day together we came home to eat dinner as a family. My Dad said, "We should have bought ice cream to go with the strawberries for dessert". I have been unable to eat dairy for a year. My father, somehow, needs to be reminded daily. I replied, "yes, perhaps if it were soy". My Dad answers disgustedly, "Oh, yeah, I forgot about your....." as my father's voice trailed off I couldn't help but wonder how my 'problem?', my 'ailment?', my 'allergy?', my 'intolerance?' could possibly be more of an inconvenience to him than it is to me. He isn't the one who had to turn down every dessert at Aunt Bernice's 69th birthday party we had attended earlier in the day. If anything, my inability to eat ice cream is helping him, considering that he complains about his weight almost as much as I discuss my own (which is saying something given my age and demographic). Weight and unemployment jokes aside, my love for my parents will continue to fade if I continue to stay here much longer. I'm expecting the passive aggressive notes to start being left any day now. Like the infamous all capped "KEEP THIS DOOR SHUT", or my personal favorite, "If you wake up in time will you please take this to the post office for me".
Here, I'll start:

Dearest Daddy,
I'm aware of how delicious strawberry shortcake is about as much as I'm aware of your dwindling hospitality.
your daughter Megan

Saturday, May 23, 2009

What Andy Warhol did not forsee

Campbell's has a new brand of soups called, 'Select Harvest'. These new 'improved' soups are basically pretending to be organic. Though I spotted this lie right away I went ahead and purchased the Select Harvest 'Mexican Style Chicken Tortilla' soup anyway.
What most people do not notice (though now I bet you will) is that every food item has in bold at the end of the ingredients list whether an item contains a common food allergen, such as soy, nuts, wheat, or MILK. This particular can of Campbell's did not list any of these allergens so I assumed the product safe for consumption. Select Harvest soups boast "Real Ingredients. For Real Taste." What are' real ingredients' you may be asking. Worry not because Campbell's answers on the label, "Real ingredients are ingredients you understand, ingredients you can pronounce". I can pronounce the ingredients just fine, but what I don't understand is first, why is Campbell's talking to me like a child? And second, why, do I find 10 items down on the ingredients list 'Monterey jack cheese' without a milk allergen warning!? I of course, being a concerned consumer, emailed Campbell's right away. I have yet to hear anything back.
I am now boycotting Campbell's products, and it's been a tough 3 days. I am actually very terrible at boycotting things but I find myself always wanting to. I tend to forget I'm boycotting anything because I'm not very aggressive about it. I boycotted Hardee's when I was in high school because I hated their commercials. My thought was that Hardee's should be working harder to bring me in. An announcer with an annoying voice and people eating and drinking loudly was just not cutting it. I lasted about 3 months. My boycott on Hardee's ended when I started working there. My second job was working for a unionized grocery store. So of course, being in a union and all, I hated Wal-Mart. Hated it. I would never shop there again. I went away to college, came back, and I've been to Wal-Mart twice today. One of my trips was to buy a can of Campbell's Select Harvest Mexican Style Chicken Tortilla soup so that I could quote the label accurately...My new boycott on Campbell's starts now.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I have a beef with cheese

I have finally taken my first step against cheese, and it went horrible.

A friend told me about a carnival in St. Louis that had "these cheesy hot dogs that were amazing". My first question was, "were there normal hot dogs available". My friend replied that he did not know. I assumed that this carnival did not offer such a thing, so I devised my plan of attack. I decided to carry a sign, and I brainstormed for a short amount of time for a statement. Whilst making this sign I thought to myself, "Oh darling, no one will be able to read this sign at night, this sign must be carried during the day". I praised myself on my genius thinking and crafty skills with a sharpie marker.

I then set out to prove my point.

The failure of my protest can all be summed up in poor planning.
I guess I didn't really think about how NO ONE goes to the carnival during the day, and how at night the lights from the carnival can be seen from a mile away. Also, cameras have a flash.
I should have went at night.
Mostly though, the sign was a failure from the start.

Mistakes I made with the sign:

1. I should not have written a quirky statement mentioning cheese and beef that only my brother would understand.
2. The sign was moderate in size.
3. Nobody writes in cursive after the 4th grade.
4. Perhaps the word 'cheese' should not have been the focal point of the sign.
5. No protest only has 1 sign.
6. And this is unrelated to the success of the sign but, my Dad was kind of unhappy to learn that I used a piece of trim that he needed for the basement as a sign holder.

In my defense, carnivals never last too long so I needed to act fast...Good God I hope I get better at this!

Monday, May 18, 2009

It's not my birthday nor is it 2002 but...

Around the age of 16 or so I realized that I choose every meal based on the condiment I'm craving. I noticed it first with fast food. If I wanted ketchup I'd go to Burger King, bbq sauce meant McDonalds, and if I was craving grape jelly I would go to Hardees (grape jelly is delicious on a multitude of items including french fries and hash rounds). Lately though, salsa has beat out every condiment hands down. I have barely eaten grape jelly (my previous #1 condiment) in weeks. I eat what has to be an unhealthy amount of salsa per day. In the last two months of my life I have only gone one day without salsa. What I don't undestand about my love for salsa is that it makes me miserable for about 8-10 minutes during and after eating it. Spicy food in general makes my ears hurt, my eyes water, and gives me the feeling of wanting to cut out my tongue. I also hate when I'm half way through a jar and I end up with salsa up to my wrist. I don't think I'll ever really understand it. I guess I just love things that make me miserable, that struggle has become the story of my life.
I love being thin but I hate exercise.
I love straight teeth but I hate braces.
I love to play games but I hate showing people how crazy competitive I am.
I love boys that I can't have but I hate that I can't have them.
I love Halloween but I hate throwing up on my printer...
The list goes on and on. Recently I re-listened to 50 cent's "In Da Club" (all life lessons can be learned by 50), and he wisely raps, "And you should love it, way more than you hate it".
I love salsa way more than I hate the terrible burning sensation in my mouth, and I love fighting with cheese way more than I hate not eating it.
Thanks 50 Cent!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Inland hurricanes?

Instead of the normal tornado that other midwestern towns get, Carbondale Illinois faced and inland hurricane last week. The roof got torn off of the resteraunt I was eating at and me, my roomate, and her parents all got free food. All power was lost, so later that night some friends and I stole a barbeque pit lid and created a bonfire where I proceeded to drink too much. I'm officially a huge fan of inland hurricanes. Since the power was lost all of the frozen items in grocery stores had to be thrown out. sad. I went to Schnucks grocery store yesterday and found the entire freezer section restocked and ready to go, except one tiny little section, the soy icecream section. Of course. I awkwardly mentioned this to the stock boy but I think that he just thought I was hitting on him. I left with no soy icecream and a phone number I have no intention on dialing.


Thursday, May 14, 2009

Gathering an army

I was at the bar one night when I realized I could not have Bailey's Irish Cream. With 'cream' in the title of course it was assumed. I guess I never realized that I couldn't have it because never have I thought to myself, "I really want some Bailey's". Not even in my pre-lactose intolerant days did I think this (probably because I have not yet become my parents). Now that I can't have Bailey's however I'm angry and I need to plan my attack on the company.

I have, for the last 7 months or so, been spitting out fake statistics about lactose intolerance to anyone who would listen. Among my favorites are:
  • 80% of the world is lactose intolerant (Suprisingly, people believe this one. This is no new strategy, but for those that don't know; the key to making people believe false statistics is to make the number high enough to get your point across and low enough to be believable. I'm still not sure how this one continues to get by)
  • 86% of courtship revolves around dairy (this one was intended to be a joke but I believe with enough research it could be accurate, it's what I have found to be true)

If I am really going to start taking a stand against milk products I need to look up real statistics. No more fake ones. What I found, I'm disappointed to say is that 15% of Caucasian Americans are lacotse intolerant. 15% is not going to get me anywhere! BUT through my studies I have found a fantastic statistic! One that even I wouldn't have pretended was real. 90% (90%!!!) of Asian American adults suffer from lactose intolerance! I've found a gold mine! I've always felt a real connection to asisans. Always. I love fried chicken in unhealthy sauces, I think fortune cookies are genius, I have deeper feelings than the average white 20 something female for Bruce Lee, AND once in high school, when asian inspired clothing was in style, I wore and asian shirt to school and also wore a black bobbed wig to appear more asian, because that seemed appropriate at the time. Of course I was wrong about the wig but that doesn't matter now, right? I understand the true plight of the Asian American. I'm on their side, and if I spin this the right way (like all good statistical findings) it's like I am saying Asian Americans are on my side. Girl vs cheese doesn't look so sad now. Asians Americans and Girl vs cheese. I think I'm going to keep my title though...

Bailey's irish cream can wait for now, but they will have their fight, and all I can say is, I hope they know kung fu.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

My Struggle

When I developed lactose intolerance last year I tried to fight it. I hoped it would go away, or I atleast hoped that I had an ulcer or ulcerative collitis or crohn's disease or something, anything but the inability to eat the greatest foods this world has to offer. But alas, I had to accept this terrible trait. I tried those Lactaid pills that are supposed to counteract dairy but it made my stomach feel weird. So I gave up on dairy. Cheese, cereal, pizza, icecream, icecream cakes, cheeseburgers, everything on the menu at taco bell, chai lattes, milk chocolate...everything. I started using soy products, and though soy cheese has changed my life, I still miss the real thing. And in a year's time I've gone from angry to accepting to angry again. I've come to realize that I am allergic to the one thing that truly brings this world together, cheese. So, instead of saying to my stomach, "Hey there, you need to get with it and digest this pizza!", I'm now saying, "Hey world! Fuck you and your unhealthy love for cheese! You're the one that needs to change, not me". I'm fighting a battle I assume I will lose. I know all too well that nothing can replace milk products in someone's life, but I always love an unrealistic challenge.